Happy Birthday Shepard
by Devil's Final Cry
Summary: It's Fem!Shepard's birthday! All she wanted to do was relax and not worry about the reapers invading the earth. Can she just have some piece and quiet? STRONG ish  LANGUAGE


**A/N: A gift for Mass Effect 3! I just got mine! Now I'm going to play. According to wiki Shepard's birthday is on April 11. And I don't own anything...Other than Furnova, because that's the planet I just created on top of my head. **

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><p>April 11, 2187<p>

Normandy SR-2

Shepard's Room

09:14

"Commander, you are wanted in the briefing room." EDI said through the coms. Shepard groaned and put her head underneath the pillows.

"I'll be there soon." Shepard mumbled under the pillow, although it came out like muffles.

"I did not understand what you just said Shepard."

"I said; I will be down` there soon!" She shouted throwing a pillow in a random direction. It ended up hitting the aquarium, and fall down near her desk.

A few moments after relaxing back in her bed, Jane finally got her ass out of bed and stretched. Her body was still sore from her mission with the reapers. She sighed and walked towards her bathroom, but before entering, she put on music.

In the shower, she absently began tracing her scars. Half of her scars she doesn't remember getting. A few she remembers, and they were when she was growing up on Earth. She loved Earth, she didn't mind being an orphan, she just hated the ignorant people living on it. She knew not all the cities were like the one where she grew up. She grew up surrounded by crime, gangs, and murder. She was lucky to find an Alliance Military enlisting nearby when she was 18.

"Shepard-" Joker said through the com.

"I KNOW! I'll be down in a few minutes."

She groaned as she turned off the water and quickly changed. She blow dried her hair quickly and put it in a bun. Fed her fish, and pet hamster named Sparky and left her cabin. She made it in the elevator and then it opened on the crew's quarters and a couple of crew members came in. Once the elevator door closed they could feel Shepard's aggravated aura. They tried their best to stay away from her, but it looked like they were cowering before her.

Once the doors opened to the CIC floor, everyone got out of the elevator like their lives were on the line, leaving Shepard bewildered in the elevator.

"Oh...okay?" She said leaving the elevator.

"Oh Shepard!" Kelly said as soon as Jane stepped foot on the CIC floor. "You're-"

"Yes, Kelly. I know I am wanted in the briefing room. Because EDI told me, then Joker. And now you. So I'm pretty sure the fact that of me going to the briefing room has gone to my head, instead of one ear and out the other."

"I-I'm sorry Commander."

"No... I'm sorry... I'm just tired..." Jane said as she went to the armory and walked into the briefing room. "Okay. I'm here. Now what is it? What is so damn important for you guys to wake me up on my day off?"

"When is saving the Earth a day off?" Liara said.

"When we don't have a mission... Look I know we're supposed to save the Earth, but if you want me sane. I need at least ONE day to rest. If I don't. I'll go insane. And you do not want an insane commander, now do you?"

"No you don't." Garrus said laughing.

"Oh, I bet it would be pretty damn funny to see an insane Shepard." Jack said.

"I think I have seen an insane Shepard once. And it was not funny." Tali said with her heavy accent.

"Stop talking about me going insane, and tell me why you wanted me here!" Shepard said stomping her foot like a little girl.

"Calm down, Jane." Garrus said walking towards his lover.

"Don't tell me to calm down, Garrus. You of all people should know that I like me sleeping in and not being waked up."

"I know, I know. But we have a mission."

"A mission? Oh, you have got to be kidding me."

"Don't you want to save the world Commander?" Joker said via com.

"Joker! Stop eavesdropping! How many times have I told you not to eavesdrop?"

"Fifteen times." EDI replied.

"Oh shut up EDI..."

"Jeesh. What am I? A mother? Do I look like a mother to you guys?" Jane said placing her hands on her hips. Silence. "Well?" They all shook their heads. "That's what I thought. Now armor up and let's get this mission over with."

"What? You have somewhere to be Shep?" Jack asked being her usual bitchy self.

Shepard's heart sank. Her feelings weren't usually hurt, but this time it was, badly. She stiffened and held back tears. "Apparently not."

XxX

"There are Cerberus Soldiers, Shepard. According to new records, the Illusive Man is rebuilding some sort of weapon. And this planet, is their base of operations for it." EDI said, with Shepard's space helmet on, it felt like it was echoing through her skull.

"Great. Just what I needed on my-"

"Shepard! Cerberus is shooting at us!" The pilot of the shuttle said,

"Well don't just sit there! Avoid the fire and land us somewhere!"

"Well isn't the commander in a peachy mood..." Jack said.

"Jack, shut up. I am not in the mood to deal with your bullshit."

"What bullshit?" Jack shot back.

"Now, now ladies. Let's all settle down." Garrus said standing between the two. The shuttle then went on it's side, causing them to fall. "What kind of piloting is this?"

"S-sorry! I never flew a shuttle in the middle of a fire fight."

"How old are you kid?" Jane asked leaning in the shuttle's cockpit as the shuttle was leveled.

"Nineteen sir. I mean ma'am."

"Sir's fine. Just make sure we land alive. We're nothing if we're corpses."

"Y-yes sir."

"We're screwed." Jack said sighing, Jane couldn't help but laugh.

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><p>April 11, 2187<p>

Furnova

10:45

"So... what the hell are we supposed to be doing?" Shepard said taking off her helmet, shaking her messed up bun up hair.

"To destroy the facilities of Cerberus on Furnova." EDI replied through the com link.

"Every facility?"

"Yes."

"How many?"

"There are three. If you detonate a bomb in the center facility, the other two attached to it would go as well."

"We have bombs?"

"Yes, they were given to Jack."

"Jack?" Shepard turned around to see Jack smiling.

"Okay... Jack... give the bombs to Garrus... please."

"What? Why?"

"Because I don't trust you with that happy trigger finger of yours. Let alone with a bomb."

"Oh..." Jack said, she couldn't think of any good come backs. "Here." She shoved the bag of bombs to Garrus. "I don't mind. It means that my so called 'happy trigger fingers' can be happy."

"Oh dear god..." Jane mumbled. "Let's go and get this over with."

Furnova was like a jungle, with lots of high tropical trees. Fruits growing everywhere, long tall grasses that go up to a human's chest.

"So... why is this planet called Furnova?" Garrus asked as the team were walking through the tall grasses, cutting them with their Omni-blades.

"Probably because the fact that mostly every creature on this planet is... furry?" Shepard said stopping in her tracks.

"Why you say that, Commander?" Garrus said almost toppling over Shepard.

"Probably because I'm staring at one."

"Really? Oh boy..." The creature was tall and stood on all four legs on a thick fallen branch. It's fur changed colors. From red to green, from green to black, and all the colors that were known as colors. It growled showing it's sharp teeth.

Garrus and Jack pulled out their guns and aimed at the furry creature.

"Don't shoot."

"What? Why not?"

"Get down."

"Are you crazy?"

"Jack, get down. That's an order." Shepard said using her I'm-your-commanding-officer-you-listen-to-me-or-I-shoot-you-in-the-face tone.

Jack, obeying her commander bent down beside her, but not without a angry groan.

"So explain to me why we are not fighting the damn thing?"

"Because Cerberus men, will take care of it for us."

"How-"

With one gesture, Shepard placed her gloved index finger to her lips, and Jack obeyed like a good little puppy.

Shots of laser guns fired, the loud popping sounds were close to Shepard's team. A growl then a roar, next came a man screaming, then came a grunt. Then silence.

"Jesus... poor sod." a soldier said.

"What the Gurno or the idiot who didn't know how to use a gun properly?" Another soldier replied.

"The kid. I heard he was only seventeen. That's way to young to die."

"Eh. His choice. If he learned how to use the damn gun, he wouldn't be dead now would he?"

"I'm just saying-"

"Besides. He's an alien lover."

"So?"

"Eesh... Didn't I teach you guys anything?"

"Well maybe you should work on that." Shepard said getting up from her crouching position with her M-5 Phalanx in her hand, her trigger finger ready to fire. The laser pointer was first pointing to the man's crotch then slowly made it's way to the man's forehead. "Too bad you left your helmet at home."

"Shepard! Warn-"

BAM! Jack shot the man's arm. "Oops. My finger slipped."

"Wh-what do you want?"

"To destroy the facilities here."

"Is that so? Well you won't be-"

BAM! Jane shot the in the head. "Tsk. Tsk. Do you want to die?"

The man didn't respond.

"I'll take that as a no... leave here. If I catch you shooting any alliance fleets or shooting me behind my back, I will put a bullet through your skull. Got it?"

"Yes. Sir!" The soldier said running off.

"Should we really have let him live?" Garrus asked. Jane raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I mean he could have -"

"Who's the commanding officer?" Shepard said folding her arms, and tapping her foot.

"You are..." They both said with a sad tone.

"That's what I thought. Now let's get this mission over with, before I got mentally insane."

"Oh! Can we have popcorn?" Jack said.

Shepard's only response was a death glare.

"Never mind..."

Furnova

11:23

"How long does it take to get to the damn facilities?" Shepard yelled, in response furry birds gawked a flew away.

"You are almost there, Shepard. 85 kilometers to go." EDI replied.

"85 Kilometers? That's like 52 miles!"

"To be exact it is 52.8165513 miles."

"Oh shut up."

"How could you calculate that so fast?" Jack asked, because Garrus already knew the answer, for Jane had told him during a nice evening in bed.

"I'm an orphan from Earth. When living on the streets, you have to learn somehow."

"Wait. You stole?"

"Some, but not a lot. I only stole food, and some clean clothes. I did what I needed to survive. But that all changed when my aunt Susan took me in when I was around ten or eleven."

"I thought you said you were an orphan."

"I am. Aunt Susan wasn't really related to me. She was just some nice lady that lived in the wrong side of town, and she would take in children. Her home was welcome to kids on the streets. What she had was ours," Jane sighed. "Wow. I miss her."

"You think she's alive on Earth?" Garrus asked. "You know all the reapers and what not."

"No, she died just a few years after I had joined the Alliance Military. Cancer. Before she died, she said that she was proud of me." Jane sighed once again, she imagined her aunt smiling with her brown curls. "Now come on. I want to get this – AAHH!"

Shepard fell in what seems to be an earth slide. Her eye widened in what seemed to be in fear, but inside her was just gaining adrenaline. She thought it was fun, not scared. Who would want a scared Commander Shepard to fight off the damn reapers?

When the ride was over, Shepard rolled a few times before stopping. She laughed out loud. Forgetting that she was on a mission.

"Who's there?"

"Shit…" Shepard did a roll to a rocky shelter that seemed like it was meant for it to be there. Like it was meant to protect her from laser bullets.

She hid behind it and waited for the soldier to come towards her. He stalked slowly moving his gun back and forth. When he stepped in front of the rock's line, Jane stood up and used her omni-blade to take out her opponent. Before the man could collapse, she quickly grabbed him and gently let his body on the ground. She knew it didn't make much of a difference since if his team tried to contact him and he didn't respond, they would know something was up. But she thought it would give her enough time.

"Commander! You okay?" Garrus asked through the coms.

"Yeah I'm fine. Peachy. Get your asses down here. I want this mission done with. It should have been done yesterday! I thought I recruited men! Not lazy butts!"

"You're one to talk." Jack shot back.

"Don't start, tattoo woman."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah. You heard me. I called you tattoo woman."

"Shepard, when I get to you, I will throw you so far that –"

"Ladies! Can we please just finish this mission? After the mission you two go at each others throats for as long as you want. Shed blood on the Normandy…we all know that Joker would _love_ that."

"Actually I don't mind." Joker said piping into the conversation.

"JOKER!" Jane yelled into the com. If Cerberus didn't contact their fallen comrades her scream would tell them that she was there. "What did I tell you about eavesdropping?"

"Whoops…"

"Go easy on him, Commander…" Garrus cautioned.

"No."

"Oh come on! You can't still be mad at me for_ that_!"

"Well I am, Joker…"

"How can I make it up to you commander?"

"Cake."

"What?"

"Cake. You can make it up by giving me cake."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously. Unless you want to do pushups when I get back on Normandy."

"You wouldn't do that to a cripple, would you?"

"Wanna find out?"

"… No. Not really."

"Then get me cake. And don't tell me that cake is a lie, or I'll shoot you."

"Cake. Got it." Click.

Shepard sighed, and picked up some more ammo. The dead Cerberus man wasn't going to use it any time soon, and besides she would be putting it to good use.

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><p>Furnova<p>

Cerberus Facility A

12:08

BAM! BAM! BOOM! BAM! BAM!

"Grenade!" Jack yelled running for cover. Shepard covered her head with her arms, while Garrus put his body over hers.

_Awww how sweet…_ Jane thought as Garrus covered her. BOOM! The grenade blew up and a ringing noise was in all their ears. When the smoke cleared they got out over cover and began shooting. It was three men against a whole army of Cerberus. And so far, Cerberus was losing. Pity.

"Damn it." Jane said. "I'm out of ammo."

"Stay in cover. You're shield's weak." Garrus said. "We'll take them out. Jack!"

"Grenade launcher, got it!" She pulled out a grenade launcher, and had an evil smile across her face. "Die you mother fuckers!"

BOOM!

Screams of men falling to their doomed death. Then silence.

"All clear!" Jack said, chuckling a bit. "Those poor bastards, didn't stand a chance!"

"Now you can claim ammo, Commander." Garrus said, as Jane got out of cover and cracked her neck.

They grabbed as many ammo as their ammo pouches could carry and ran towards the bridge that lead to Facility B, the middle one. Jane ran towards the bridge, but stopped near it's entrance and slowly moved her head to see if there were any soldiers.

"Eep!" She said as she moved back before a laser bullet hit her. She switched her pistol for a SMG. "You have any more grenades?"

"No, I'm all out."

Shepard sighed, and then ran out and took cover by an explosive container.

"Shepard! Are you crazy?" Garrus yelled. "If they shoot that you're dead!"

"Oh like I haven't died before."

Garrus rolled his Turian eyes and sighed, knowing that he lost the argument.

Jane quickly stood up and then with her left hand she threw the explosive container towards the Cerberus men. She smiled and as soon as the container was over their heads, she shot a bullet at the container.

KABOOM!

"Let's move!" Jane said gesturing to Garrus and Jack to move their butts.

"Is it me or has Shepard already gone insane?" Jack mumbled to Garrus.

"This? That's not her insane self. This is still her sane self."

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I've been dating her for the past two years. I think I would know my own mate."

"Mate? Huh. So how do you two… you know-"

"If I hear any more about my love or sex life. I will kill you both." Jane yelled back.

"And you complain to Joker about eavesdropping."

"What? Are you trying to get yourself killed Jack? You're making me wish that I had just left you at Purgatory."  
>"Well you're making me wish that I had killed you then."<p>

"Ladies. Please!"

"Yeah. Listen to Garrus. He seems better without that stick up his ass." Joker said through the com. Jane clenched her fist tight.

"What –"

"Joker…" Jane said cutting of Garrus, she was using her I'm-going-to-kill-you tone.

"Sorry! Sorry! But I'm here on EDI's request. For some reason she can't get into your coms. Don't ask. Anyway, she wants me to tell you that you have Cerberus reinforcements on your way, and I already sent Jax to the shuttle pad (or landing area)."

"Who?" Jane, Garrus, and Jack said in unison.

"Wow. You don't even know your own shuttle pilot…"

"Oh my god… I don't have time for this!" Jane said running towards the facility. "Garrus. Give me the bombs. You two watch my back and try not to die. We're running low on Med-Gel."

Garrus gave Jane the bag with the bombs and she ran into the facility. She ran without a plan, nor caring about what or who was in the facility. Right in the middle of a facility was a giant energy source touching the ceiling and going through the ground. Around it were scientists and military men from Cerberus. When Jane ran in there, they all looked at her and then began firing. The scientists began running for their lives.

"Whoops." Shepard said as she quickly took cover.

"Nice going Shepard…" Jack said taking cover next to her commanding officer.

"Well at least we're not dealing with the reapers or those freaking husks…" Just the mention of husks sent chills down Shepard's spine. She hated those zombie creatures, especially the ones that blow up near you.

"Distract them."

"Got it." Jack stood up and began firing at random people and using her biotics at them. "Hey low lives! I'm over here you assholes!" She began running in a different direction.

Jane played with her omni-tool and began invisible to others, she made it to the giant tube like thing. She took a few seconds to admire it and then began setting up the bomb. She placed a it on the tube and started the timer for fifteen seconds.

"RUN FOR THE SHUTTLE!" She yelled as sh shot Cerberus men that were in her way in the shuttle.

"What?" Jack replied.

"It's gonna blow!"

And with that everyone started scrambling. Jack and Garrus were right behind Jane, who was already on the shuttle. "Jax! Get us out of here!"

"Roger! Buckle up it's going to be a bumpy ride!" For once they listened to the pilot other than Jane.

KABOOM! The facilities blew up and the shock of it, hit the shuttle.

"Heee YAH!" Jax said laughing in the pilot seat. Jane couldn't help but laugh too, along with Jack.

"How can you two laugh at this time?" Garrus asked.

They only laughed more.

* * *

><p>Normandy Sr-2<p>

Elevator

15:29

"FINALLY!" Jane said stretching. "I can't wait to get out of this armor and take bath... maybe have some champagne watch movies for the rest of the night. Then tomorrow... I'll save the world!"

"What happens if we have another mission?" Jack said cracking her neck.

Jane shot her a glare. "If we have another mission, then I'm going to have one person as acting commanding officer on the mission. Besides no one should work on their-"

"SURPRISE!" everyone said as the elevator said opening to the CIC floor. The whole floor had birthday decorations, and everyone was wearing party hats balloons everywhere. And the cake.

Dr. Chakwas had pushed a cart that had a tall delicious cake on it. It looked like a wedding cake to Jane, but she didn't care for it was cake. There was a little Shepard on the top of the cake and on the sides of the cakes there were some quotes "Shepard rules All!", "Shepard Kills Reapers!", "Super Shepard" and "Joker was here."

Tears, happy tears, were coming down Jane's face. She never had a surprise birthday party before. Then again she never had a birthday party before either.

"You don't think we forgot did you?" Liara said giving Jane a hug.

"Well... the way you guys acted this morning. Yes."

"Ouch, Shepard." Joker said. "We had to keep a secret some how. Nor it wouldn't be a surprise now would it? Besides, you're only thirty three once!"

"Wouldn't I like be thirty or something? Because you know that death a few years ago..."

"No," Miranda said. "When we revived you, we made you the age that you are supposed to be."

"Gee... Thanks..." Jane said smiling.

"No problem."

"Be thankful that you don't have any gray hairs." Joker said laughing.

"And with all this stress on saving the world, one would think that I would be all grays by now."

"There's nothing wrong with gray hair." Dr. Chakwas said touching up her hair. Everyone burst into laughter.

"Happy Birthday Shepard!"

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><p><strong>AN: I love reviews! :D **


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